♥ Explains Now...[Clearly]

yeah, as you guys know.. today's paper was a total cake walk~
seriously though, my standards aside, it really wasn't too difficult. (its a general thing that i got from most people)..
so..
it proved to me that i was indeed a witch.

the comprehension paper that we did was about cats..
and coincidentally, when i was making my way back home.. i passed by this cat.. which meowed and me repeatedly and rubbed up against me.
i petted it and continued walking.. it followed me..
and meowed some more and two other cats came and rubbed against me.
and.. they walked with meh till i had to cross a road.
LOL?!?!?!


yeah.. ever since Sniffy, cats have been more comfortable with me..?
lol.
i miss Sniffy.

well.. that's odd.
anyway...

i think im just being really random.
argh, and i do want to work on an ending for the pasta that i put up on the forums... but it just seems like anything else that's too solid would make the rest of it seem...unbelievable and would be a bit of a let down.

i don't really know, but I'll post it here *soon, so if you guys have comments or anything to help me out, i don't mind comments and stuff

*soon!!! not now..SOON.


umm...
i don't really have much to say anymore, so I'll make this really short and end off on a good note.


T isn't having a big ginormously huge wedding this year, just a small private lil thing with close friends and a lil family i think...
i think that's the best.. big weddings are showy, but not as personal..
whatever it is, we're all wishing them all the best and the rest of their lives together..
as long as they're happy and healthy, y'know?
omg... Teabaggy, i still cant believe you're getting hitched~!!!
omg!!!


also... my Smokey's cutting down on the fags, so me ish very very proud~
keep it up sweetie, me knows you can do it~

CIAO LOVELIES~

(also.. Dr Oz i likey...but he's really scaring me. i think.. im hypertensive and diabetic.. and i have cancer and lotsa bad back problems. im watching these things and listening to the stories and questions and stuff.. and i really think im that way. fuck.)

♥ Explains Now...[Clearly]

omg. its the 21st tomorrow~!!
i have an english exam to ace tomorrow.. and it almost slipped past me. me thinking todays was the 19th for some reason, i made a couple'a appointments for tomorrow (ie. dental and hair and a shopping trip).. oh well, i guess it'll have to take a back seat to things.. tsk, i was really looking forward to finally getting things done.
i actually called up all the places and checked if the people i preferred were free tomorrow and gave them rough time slots that i'd be there.

so im sick to my stomach for so many reasons. there's been something eating away at me, and i know im not well. in the literal and metaphorial sense. i've been having really weird premonitions and this waves of.. i dont know what to call them. its just like an overwhelming feeling of looming doom. i know its odd and im coming off as paranoid, but there's something more to it i think. something deeper. i know its something more.
and in the literal sense.. i've been throwing up a lot lately. i swear im not doing this to myself.. its just.. things havent been sitting well in my tummy. i get this really stabbing sharp pains through my stomach and down my intestines and then i need to throw up. on top of that, i've been going through this ongoing case of the runs.. and i can barely eat.
thats not the only reason i know im not well either. i just have this feeling that its something a lot worse lurking in me. i used to say it jokingly, but honestly, im quite serious now. things have changed.. but if im destined for it, i guess im destined for it.

that aside, at this very moment (and the past evening or so i guess) i've been going through this really nostalgic feeling. thinking about a lot of things and a lot of people. about how life was back then.. the whole trip i guess.

its not something that particularly depresses me or anything, i hope no one thinks that, because i honestly believe that every experience makes our lives richer.. but its just that sometimes i get stuck there for awhile and its hard for me to snap back to the persent.
and then i got this random text from my Toy asking me if i knew this girl.. and it turns out that i did. quite well.
its not that its a small world or anything. far from it.
i actually expected it.
it was really jsut a matter of time.
but it really did set off something else in me.
i dont know if its good or bad, but it just did, and im not really in the mood to think about whether it was beneficial or useless.
so i'll just take it as one of those things.

i dont really know why im posting that bit, but it does serve as an ounce of comfort at least.
its odd and downright pathetic how i can find solice and comfort in nothingness like this..

..
..
moving on, i attempted my first "official" pasta today (ie. i put it up on the forums).. it needs a lot of editing and it was a spur of the moment kinda thing, but the writer in me cried out to try it out, and i dont like to cheat myself by denying myself, so i went ahead and did it.
it was a tad bit long and rather ani-climatic in my opinion, but i havent written in a long while, and it felt good.
despite my "big" test tomorrow, i'll probably be up most of the night penning stories and my thoughts as well as a couple'a songs.
i guess im that sort of girl.

i wonder what the world's doing as i stay stuck; as i waste away day by day.
i always look out into the world and i see everyone hard at work or at least with a task at hand.
then i look back at myself and realise that i stand idly by as the world pushes forward.
i guess thats really why i get left behind and that i fail at most things.
im not saying this because i was empathy or to be babied.
far from it.
i dont want any of that from anyone.
i dont like pity-anything.
the thing of it is that i can acknowledge what i am and the situation im in, and because i have come to terms with things means that i am indeed ready and capable of moving on...
right?

well, whatever it is, it doesnt really matter.

what matters is that.. today i probably accomplished more than i have accomplished in a long time.
i studied a bit, didnt get into any conflict, cleaned my room, made appointments and commitments and i even went grocery shopping and wrote a (questionably good) story.

i know that it seems like i might be going a tad bit overboard with the self-praise here, but i honestly havent done this much in a long time.
the love and support i get from him and the joy from my close friends and family really do make me want to do better. even though im tired, i want to see them happy, and ultimately, that's something that urges me on.
im not accomplishing things the size of mountains just yet, but hey, its a start, and that makes me really happy.

somehow, when i just realised that inadvertedly, i just made myself feel a tad bit better. it wasnt intentional, but since it happened, im not exactly complaining.
though, this post was just random crapping, and i shall spare you guys the horror of it all since.. im sitting here with the windows and the door closed, the fan's on 1 and im huddled up in pools of blankets freezing my ass off and i think its the lack of food thats doing it to me... and im going to grab something light to munch on...
and i do believe i have a lot of things left to settle..
so...

to everyone out there who's taking their exams, Jou wishes you guys all the best~!
take care my darlings..

CIAO LOVELIES~



*ZARYL=> dont mention it, Fluffy and I were more than happy to settle things for you, you are one of my best gals after all, and i just want to see you happy. i know how much a pain things like that are, and you'd have done the same for me too~

**LEX=> please dont fight the inevitable and i want you to know that no matter what, everything happens for a higher purpose and things will work themselves out one way or another... just enjoy you time left..
i just want to see you happy and content.. you owe yourself that much at least!

***TYLER=> thank you for the letter. it means a lot to me that both you guys would plan something that elaborate.. and dont worry, i know how o handle myself and he's taking good care of me to say the least. ;D

yes. im still using a lappy because my main's dead. dont hurt meh ._.

♥ Explains Now...[Clearly]

so.. yesterday was the 18th (i finally went down to MOE to collect my second art paper) and today it just dawned on me that my exams will be starting this Tuesday. the first is english, so its pretty much okie with me, but my second paper will be Geog, and i know im totally screwed, so presently, im getting it done. i've just finished 2 topics (vegetation, which i fucking hate, and rivers and coasts... and map reading). i've got developement and geography of food left to tackle.. and im not really looking forward to that.

i just want you guys out there to know that although im not on hiatus, i wont be posting as regularly.
real life's been catching up to me (both the good and the bad) and its not really easy for me to plunk myself down infront of a computer terminal all day to blah about my life at the moment, so word will come as and when i find a free moment to indulge you guys.

my days have been interesting and entertaining, and that's the way life should be, i think. whether its whiling my time away with my beloved or whether im looking for my Sniffy (yes, i named a stray kitty) or hanging around at home or whatever, my days have proved to be more interesting than they once were. though, i cant say that i enjoy most of the drama thats been going on, i still do believe that everything happens for a reason and that i am content either way.

last night i met up with friends that i havent heard from in awhile (it was quite enertaining, because it was one of those rare occasions where Jou freaked out majorly)..
and i rounded up with night with meaningful conversation and lighthearted laughs.
it seems through and through, he really is my Knight.
through and through, he always knows how to make me smile, and he makes everything okay.
he makes me want to try even harder.
and he's not something that i deserve..
lol and if i keep going on like this, i'll never get my work done.
i jus wanted to do a short post to let you guys know that i am indeed alive and well.

i do owe you guys a good story. about the tme my parentals were in KL, about last night, about Zar and the trouble she got herself into..about a freaky dream i had...and how it freaked me out majorly, about how im apparently good with make up... about everything basically.
lol

till i next see you guys, do take care always~

ciao lovelies~

Jou's off to study and make nifty lil things~

♥ Explains Now...[Clearly]

I gots snail mail~
yay~ its from my aunt..
she's kickass awesome and she loves to send me lil things~
she's so thoughtful.
she was replying to the letter i last wrote her (some months back... yeah, things have been rough on both our ends so.. yeah). and she sent me a lil birthday gift.
how thoughtful~
im probably going to start on a letter back.. and lace it with some simple art.
i really do like doing art for people, but it takes soo much time and effort, and sometimes im really just not feeling it.
but i do it as and when i feel like it (or when i absolutely have to)...

speaking of which, yesterday Smokey and i went down to the MOE building to pick up mah art paper.. lol we went down all the way there just for that one lil piece of paper. sigh... and the sun was so high up in the sky.. it was scorching and holyfuckingshite it was so... bright and hot and sunny and not the kind of weather you should keep Jous in.
lol thank you for braving the heat and spending $2 on the train fare there (not to mention having to put up with Jou and getting fed up with the sky and taking a cab back to tampines)
yeah, we went to look for my dear Zar after that, but the poor thing was asleep when i called... cos she was up late the night before and had to get up early for her Grad~
OMG everyone's growing up so fast.. i cant stand it....
*tears up*
all mah girls are growing up soooooooo fast~
(yesh, you know Jou's reverse pedophile ways. No guys younger than me pl0x)
we did meet up eventually.
we basically just killed time before me and Mr R headed off to City Hall to meet mah dearest mummy and grammy for din din.
dad and the lil one were supposed to join, but of course, the lil one who didnt sleep for the past few days didnt want to get up from his lil nappy
so.. yeah.
just the 4 of us.
holyfuck, it was crowded and there was too much food...
and then we picked up some groceries...
cos..
yes~
my family's in KL till Tuesday~
they left this morning and i've been enjoying the peace and quiet~
something that's a very much needed relief from having to put up with everyone, which is mostly why i opted to stay in this time round.
and the other reason is...
yeah, the house is totally empty. and there's no chance anyone'll come knocking on mah door or anything.. so..
yeah, being the teenager i am..
we all know what that means~
and no, no parties.
my parentals are gone, but im responsible and im in charge of keeping the place clean.
i barely do any cleaning to begin with, so im trying to minimize cleanage.

so.. yet again, i got into bed late last night (or early this morning, whatever floats your boat.) and i found myself waking every half hour or so or spending eons tossing and turning... and that pretty much drew out till the morning when everyone was up, and yes, that means that i really didn't get any sleep.
i should be dead tired.. but im somewhat bracing myself for another late night.
Smokey will be over... for din din and the has to run off to attend to some important matters.
so.. i imagine its No Sleep Till Brooklyn for me tonight~
sigh, i'll just listen to loud music and watch tv or something.
its tough though, cos im the kind of girl who actually can sleep through anything..and not feel/hear/sense it~
OhDearLawdyLawdyLawdy~

meep.. i was wondering..
did i leave A Wicked Tale at anyone's place?!?!?!?!?!
i cant find it at mine and i reallyreallyREALLY want it.
i tried looking for it obviously, and i ended up digging up this 4 disc special called "JY and Family" and it compiled like... 2 years worth of the most precious videotaped moments of my life. there was some footage from 1993 to 1994..
i wish they had more footage of me. i really would be interested to see it.
i popped the discs in (because yes, the Plasma TV is finally mine to use and i moved my DVD player out) and watched the footage after i did my "chores"...
i have to say.. it reduced me to tears..
nothing else can be said but that.
i was mostly curled up in the fetal-ish position on the couch, tears streaming down my face and holding myself.
of course, trying to explain my mind frame and all at the time would be futile, so.. i guess its up to you guys to assign reason and emotions to it all.
whatever it is, you re all probably a lil right, cos it was for billions of different reasons.
i really miss those days.


argh. so.. im looking at the clock and.. wondering if i should start din din first? cos if he's coming at 9ish.. and we started to prepare the stuff (defrosting and seasoning and stuff) it might be a tad bit late when we actually do get cooking?!
argh.
i don't know.
but i'll probably start off whatever needs to be prepared beforehand right now.. just cos im fussy like that.
i'll post back later.

Ciao Lovelies~

btw, Avenged Sevenfold may have sold out.. but... Afterlife and Dear God and Beast And The Harlot, i really liked a lot.
those songs aren't too bad.
and are kinda.. catchy.

♥ Explains Now...[Clearly]

hi guys..
all of you who have been texting me and things while im out on the town.. yes, i do notice you guys (most of the time).. and thank you guys for not stalking me and junk.. you guys all deserve a cookie~

so lately things have been rockier than usual at home.. and i just havent been dealing with it very well i guess.
about the only relief from the crashing world is my darling boy who i've been depending soooooo much on and who's been simply lovely to me and some of my besties who've been graciously taking time out of thier lives for lil ole me (even though its really near to.. the Big Os.)
i'd be totally lost and distraught without them...
i have this feeling that i get people into a lot of trouble though.
like right now, i think my dearest got locked out of his house cos i kept him out late, and Denny (godblessyourpoorsoul) cried today cos of the situation i put us in.. and Mike-eey.. if you see this... call me back will you?! i've got some explaining to do, but geeze, once you stop being such a baby about things and talk to me like an adult, Denny and i will make things clear...
ive actually been getting everyone worried or angry or disappointed..
and i really hate it, and i hate myself for doing things like that and being so shitty to everyone who loves and cares for me...
i wish i could change.. but i cant, and im so tired of not being good enough and burdening the world.

anyway, moving on before it gets into some weird random emo rant, i shall tell you guys about all the sweet nothings that i've been living out lately.
he really does make everything better.
he makes my world not so dark and so much more tolerable.
and.. even pleasant to live in.
i actually look forward to new days, and i dont mind that time flys right by.
i love how he tries too hard to make me smile and how he's just him.
i just love him.
he made this awesome kickass cake for my birthday and got me a rose (isnt that cute??)
and he always knows what to say to brighten up my day.
he's there when i need him and he seems to know just when to come around and be here.
non judgemental, accepting things just for what they are.
he's cute and sweet... full of cliches that i just cant get enough of..
he's so talented and special and unique and sweet...
i love it when he sings and plays the guitar...
i love how he needs a ciggy and how much fun he is to be around...
he's everything i ever wanted and more...
and he's everything that i dont deserve, and i honestly dont know why he chose to have me... but somehow i managed to convince him to stay, and im not going to fuck this up.
i know better than to do that.
i have some big plans, so..
wish me luck people~


ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
yeah.
i felt like pressing the button and seeing the alhpabets bloop out on the screen.

urgh. ive been keeping such odd hours lately..
mostly cos the lil one's taking his PSLE exams now (tomorrows the last paper)
and he gets up at 3 or 4 ish in the morning for breakfast and to play shit on his Xbox, maybe review his stuff a bit and then goes for his paper. he gets home and sleeps the whole day.
rinse and repeat.
so.. yeah. you kow the lil one needs me up to have breakfast with him, so he wakes me up when he gets up (and i always manage to fall back asleep) and then again when the food gets here.
its hard to swallow when youre tired.. but then.. i stay up after that till the sun comes up.
damn...
its a lil messed up, but i think he'll be getting back to his normal habbits soon (whatever normal is for the dear boy).. and i like spending time with my bro.. even though he can be a prick most of the time.

so.. i hear you asking: what's Jou been doing in the middle of the nights at such unholy hours?!
well, i've been rather productive.
no..
not studying. (okay, if the mood strikes me, i do review a lil)
but ive mostly been songwriting and thinking about things...
been practicing a few simple songs on the guitar
and reading...
or watching the Style Network.. yes, most of my fave shows are on that channel.
i love Isaac, Dress My Nest, The Dish, Split Ends, Clean House, How Do I Look, Whose Wedding Is It Anyway and Peter Perfect.and everything inbetween. basically. i love the entire network and all its programmes.
period.


urgh, i cant get the timing right on Secondhand Serenade songs... theyre really draggy and longwinded. they practically scream "im like an emo with shitty music, i love you and you love me back. i'd kill myself, but you love me so i dont have to".
though, i have to admit, the lyrics to Fall For You and Your Call really did get to me.
yes, Your Call.
its not their bestest, and its really slow and draggy, but i do like the lyrics and this is one of the songs that ive been doing on the guitar (yes, its very very easy, even for me) but im hoping to get the timing for the vocals right and like. mix it up a lil.
does anyone know any good songs like that?
okay.. not like that like that, but songs that go along the same line that arent too overblown and junk?
simple and sweet please~
do let
me know kays??

meep. so..ive had a really great afternoon/night out.. i love my lil trips out with him~
its always so entertaining and i just love being around him...
he makes every day worth waking up to..
but... i dont know, maybe im a tad bit dramatic or something, but i feel something horrible foreshadowing all this happiness and bliss and calm.
im so scared something bad is going to happen...
i dont really care if its something that happens that'll affect me directly (ie. something happening to me). but i really dont want something bad happening that'll affect him.
i've been walking on eggshells that're balanced on eggshells..
ive been having all these dreams and i jsut have this nagging feeling at the back of my head... i cant wrap my mind around it... but i just know.
and...
im just.. very torn up and scread doesnt even start to probe the surface of how terrified and petrified i am.

i dont want to jinx things and i dont want to set off any alarms and stuff, but i just dont really like bottling it up inside either, so i guess its internet to the rescue~
except.. a lot of my regs are my besties so... eh,
dont worry about Jou kays?
cos she's just ranting and its probably nothing too~
maybe i should get a secret blog to just blah things out??
lol...

Ahh!! fuck, my phone hates me..
its been hanging itself a lot lately...
it freezes up forever then goes blank and i have to wait fro it to load itself again...
sigh. and sometimes i really am in the middle of sending important messages (or receiving them)...
or even worse.. im in the middle of a conference call and it just cuts everyone off (assuming they all called my phone)
...like last night.
when i was in the middle of a call with Oey and Nic (who were..initially more worried about me than usual.. but then we were just cathing up and having a good time)...im going to pick them up from grad lunch, so wish me luck peoples.. cos i'll be back in the lil shark tank i hate so much.
but to see them, it'd be totally worth it.
and.. i think that secretly i want to see everyone, just so i can prove to myself that im over it and that i can move on and that im better off now..
and.. im looking forward to kinda sorta showing off Smokey.
shh, dont tell anyone~

argh.. i have so much that i still want to say, but im texting my smokey and im really itching to learn the rest of my songs, cos.. quite frankly, i have things planned.
so.. im going to stop here.

take care everyone~
ciao lovelies~

♥ Explains Now...[Clearly]

hi world~
today. was.. one of the better days i had..
as some of you may know.. yesterday was totally shitty..
it started before i was even awake... it dragged on and got worse throughout the day... and it was just unrelenting.
but..
my dear Mr R makes everything okie..
he was having a bad day too apparently.
and my Zar.
all of us were having a shitty day.
poor us.
but anyway...he came over in the wee hours of the night (which.. i secretly like. there's something cute about it.) he was pretty down and i was pretty down, but cheering him up cheered me up. so... i guess it evened out.
i just want him to know..
i do lil things cos i wuff him oodles and oodles..it makes me happy to make him happy. so....
he doesnt need to feel bad or anything about it.

we had one of those.. cuddly, cute and eventually really hot nights.
the moning after was pretty much the same.
and..it's always amazing.
he rushed off at..3ish?
and i had to rush to get ready to meet up with Zar.
we both did the cute thing today. her in her hot lil emo schoolgirl number (traditional black and red) and the cutest heels... and me in my not-as-cute schoolgirl (green and black, to rival hers) and my heels too... if one of us suffers, the other suffers too~!

we did quite a bit.. we went for something to drink and a light snack at Yoshinoya (its our usual hangout food place)... we were windowshopping and chatting away.. (just about people and experiences and trading tips and stories in general) and then we went down to the arcade.
she danced her lil heart out and damn, just watching her twist, turn and jive really got me wishing i could do that too!
then...
we played..
yes, WE played...
Guitar Freaks
twice.
and that game with the turntable thingy (which.. we failed at)
lol
time just flew right by...
it was so awesome.
then.. i had to return her to her home (didnt want her to get into any trouble with her mum)
she was standing next to this.. pervy old man who tried to hit on her on the train..lol omg!!
and me... i opted to take the bus. so.. as i left the station and walked along the street to my stop, this one guy, a rather young chap, approached me and pitched this "super marker" thing that he and some of his friends were selling. like a lil entrapeneur kinda thing, so.. i listened (i actually dont mind listning to pitches like that, and im likely to buy if its useful and not too expensive. plus, he seemed nice anyway)... he had this list of 10 things it could do that made it special and stuff, and the poor thing was prattling on like he was rushing to catch a plane.
then a couple'a his other buddies stopped in to help out i guess?
we had some light conversation and some witty comments were exchanged
(we made this lil bet. if they could guess my age in 3 shots.. i'd buy 2 sets. ie, 2 markers, 2 bookmarks.. the bookmarks read "dont worry, be happy" and i commented that it was so cliche.. im assuming they didnt hear me right, cos.. they didnt know what it meant)... they didnt guess it right, but i bought it anyway.. and i was off on my merry way...
until...
i reached a stop light. (it had just turned green, and i was about to cross...WHEN) another one of them approached me. i did manage to get it out that i had already supported their cause, but the other 2 guys rushed down the street to let him know that i had already patronized them. lol... it was nice of them i guess.
so.. as they were explaining it... i crossed the street.
and these 2 guys...
chased me across the street... all to ask for my contact info (handphone number or email..) to keep in contact. the initial reason was a customer kinda thing, but it ended off with "its good to make new friends/ network) and.. it just was a nice end to a great day i guess.

until.. i got on the bus. i was texting Zar for a bit before nodding off... and this really weird dream happened. it was me, on that very bus on this weird road.. the bus picked up speed, and.. kinda just crashed. and then.. it was just black and i woke up.
meep...
dreams like this have been happening to me a lot lately.
no.. not bus crashes..
more like.. weird death/suicide dreams.
maybe.. it means something?

also...Ty&co, i want your help with a song..
urgently.
please and thank you~!


anyway, i cant be here long, my compy is terminally ill and has been craching out every 5 seconds. so.. im not going to huge fonts and vivid colours right now, but i will get on my dad's lappy and edit it there. this is just cos i had a fairly interesting day and i wanted to post)

wish me luck with my compy.. me wants him well again soon >.>


ciao lovelies~

♥ Explains Now...[Clearly]

Not like the other girls

Is she doing OK?

Maybe We're Trying Too Hard

This Drama Filled Fest Is All My Fault I Guess

Cut My Wirsts And Black My Eyes

My Life On [Standby]

Scene Missing..Fade To Black

can she stay strong? can she go on?